Missing Zappa

Last August, when I was 5 months pregnant, we lost our pomerian Zappa.  Dan let him and Lily out around 6 in the morning, just like he does every morning. Only when he called them in only Lily came back.  He blew our dog whistle and called for him many times (I was still sleeping). Finally he went to go find him.  Dan called up to me to come down and when I did I just fell apart.  Zappa was limp in Dan's arm with blood everywhere.  I tried to ask Dan if we could save him, but by that time my cute fluffy Zappa was gone.  He was barely concious, eyes blank, slow breathing, and low heart rate.  Dan had to get his gun and lay Zappa to rest.  While he was doing that, I hid in the laundry room with the door closed and the drying running, sobbing hysterically to my mom.  Dan was amazing.  He took care of everything.  Cleaned the blood, dug a grave, the works.  I am so amazed that he did it.  I am sure it was extremely difficult.

It took me about a week to finally stop crying every 5 minutes.  I was a mess.  Dan was a mess.  Everything was different.  Our house was empty and lonely.  I kept expecting him to greet me at the door, or sit in my lap while we watched tv.  I loved that dog with all my heart.  He was my baby.  And I was destroyed.  I was on this expecting moms blog and wrote about losing him.  1 of the women on there told me her story about losing her dog while pregnant.  She said that he had a good life and knew he was loved beyond words.  She said that he fullfilled his doggy duty and it was time for him to go. I had to let him go in order to make room in my heart for Jake.  This helped me immensely.  I love Jake.  I cannot imagine my life without him. But I miss Zappa with all my heart.  I think of him all the time.  I know if Zappa were still alive my love for him wouldn't have been at the level it was.  He would have been so jealous of Jake and would have done anything to get my attention.  Maybe even tried to hurt Jake.

At least 2 times a month, I dream of my Zappy.  The dreams are always happy and I wake up with feelings of comfort.  It's like he is letting me know he is okay in doggy heaven and I don't need to worry about him.  We talk about him all the time and remember the silly/stupid things he would do.  I never cry anymore, but I still miss him.  No dog can or will replace him.